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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

The ups and downs of life

Life has its share of ups and downs for everyone I think. But I guess we all have days when we feel like we have more than our share of downs. I think I have fallen in that hole again. Life does wear on you physically and mentally when you live with chronic pain, fatigue and soreness with stiffness in the joints. It makes life twice as hard when you just deal with "normal" daily things but for those of us with fibro and arthritis we have the "normal" things plus we fight the disease factors as well. I have finally come to realize the fact that I cant remember when I can say I have had a day that I actually feel good. The weather the past couple days has been really pleasant considering it is winter still and it would have been nice to get out of bed, have coffee and maybe go outside and walk around and look to see if any new things are starting to prematurely poke thru the ground. But with fibro and the RA by time I get to the point of being able to walk well and make coffee, I am tired. I sit down and while sitting decide to check email and such online. Read news, check mail, drink some coffee, take morning meds and by then feel so tired all I want to do is take a nap. No time for that at this point, so I push the body on. The cats and Luna want to be fed and the chickens need to be let out. Its still pretty cool out so I feed the cats and Luna, put on shoes and coat over jammies to go out and let the hens out. They are happy. Fill their water container and trudge back in the house. Really tired now, sit for a bit more thinking of all the things that need to be done, laundry, clean house, meals. A nap sounds good but cant sleep yet cause we need clean drawers, ya can only turn em over so many times ya know. So off to gather laundry and start a load. Pain meds don't work that well so still hurty all over. Sit down and ponder. Damn, its time to start supper. Where the hell did the day go. This is how the typical day goes for me, and these are just days that are what I can call "easy" days. And by time I get supper started I realize I have not had the energy to take a shower much less go out anywhere. That's pretty bad. So rush off to shower. Dang at this point I would really love to just crawl under the covers and sleep till tomorrow and maybe I would feel better. But much to my disappointment tomorrow is the same. This really is an account of my normal typical day. This is a day that I don't have to force myself to get that shower fast and go out to a doc appointment or to see mom at the nursing home. On those days I just come back home and lay down. I am really drained if I have to leave the house. But to look at me most people may think I am lazy or there is nothing wrong with me. IF only they really knew. And along with all this fatigue and pain  comes lil thinks that add to the mental irritation. Foods that I have always been able to eat and enjoy now really upset my tummy. I can not eat anything with cheese now. If I consume any kind of cheese, never ate much to begin with, but now it seems to totally stall my digestion. Not really pain, just that what ever I eat along with the cheese just sits in my stomach and takes all day to digest. On days that have cheese, I eat only 1 small meal. cant hold any more. Odd I know. Several things that I use to enjoy now do this to me. Trust me it takes a while to figure out what the culprit is sometimes but then ya have an Ah- ha moment. Peanut and canola oil that is used in lots of restaurant deep fryers also do the same thing to my stomach. So eating out is always a challenge. ANY processed food really does me in. I love a bologna sandwich better than steak but really have to limit myself on it and only eat it when I can stay home. Antibiotics that I have taken in the past that have worked now make me deathly ill, sick or just do not work at all. Sometimes I just want to say life sucks, but I would be lying to say that. I am able to stay home, not go out to work, live the life (as best I can) that I have alas loved, see the beauty of the world around me here on the farm, feel safe in my surroundings and be at peace. Sometimes when I fall in that black hole of depression and pain, if I can drag myself out the door and see the world outside here on the farm, it sure helps put things in perspective. Not that life is a bed of roses, but I am learning to manage the thorns. OK enough of my venting, thanks for listening.

Ya know the lil quilt that I was gonna make for lil Liam? Oh yeah I am still gonna do that. But last evening as I was talking on the phone with a friend we were discussing crochet things. I think I would like to make a lil cocoon for the baby. Some people call them snugglies, buntings, and others call them a cocoon. But they are for keeping lil ones snuggled in to make them feel secure. Kinda like the way wee ones are bundled at the hospital after they are born. Yep my brain needs something else to think about. But I sat here for many hours teaching myself new crochet stitches and practicing those. At time I think I may have even invented new ones. Those were the ones I could not un-do when I needed too. Gosh it has been many years since I did any crocheting. But its been fun playing with it again.

Not much happening here on the farm, so till next time, blessings from the McGuire homestead.



Carl Belken said...

Am so sorry the fibro and RA are giving you such a hard time and have to say;, any who think you to be lazy absolutely do not know you, and are wrong. You are having a tough time, and any who judge, can't help but wonder, how they would respond given the same circumstances. Believe judge not, lest ye be judged as well.

Gosh, your cacoon, sounds neat, have not seen one, but with the crocheting skills you have (am so impressed with your rugs!) do believe you could crochet anything you put your mind to, as have crocheted off and on for years. You are a natural at it...something that did not come easily to me ... member when trying, cryin an cussin (jus a lil on the cussin), cuz it simply would not look like it did on the pattern lol.

Good Lord willing, there will be better days for to come for yas.

Lubs yas,


stella said...

Hi gracie, yep this fibro whips my butt daily just to remind me I am still alive. At least if i hurt I know I am alive. lol
I still dont have much of a start on the cocoon and hat for Liam but I will get there, hopefully by time he gets here lol